Just Rest

This girl, she teaches me so much every day. There are days I feel so guilty for not opening the Word like I should, and then God gives me a lesson through her that is personal and priceless. Today was one of them. These last couple of weeks have been a challenge, she's a super smart lil cookie and I am a worn out weary momma. And I know she knows it. I've had more meltdowns then I care to admit. When asked "how are you?" my reply is the same, "I'm tired." I'm super thankful for my village, so thankful. I cant do this journey alone, I never want to. ok, back to the lesson of the day...I'd already decided she was taking a nap today, it is what would be best for the both of us. She flipped and flopped and called out my name a couple of times, even came out once acting like the naptime was up, it clearly wasn't! I felt the nudge to go lay down with her. I gave her 2 quick ultimatums, close your mouth and lay still. It was almost as if I counted down 10 to 1 and she was out. As I heard her breathing slow down and I saw her little body lay still i heard that still small voice, "Just Rest, be still My child, quit trying to tell Me what to do, what you think you need, quit flipping and flopping all over the place like this small child and please, just rest." All the tears. I picture my Father climbing in to lay dowm next to me, holding me in His arms, safe. "Just close your mouth and lay still" He says to me. I release the anxiety, the frustration, the inadequecies, the fears, the control, the comparison, all the insecurities. All released. I hear Him say again, "please, just rest." So that is what I will focus on doing, Resting. And when I forget what that looks like, I will look back to her sweet face, remembering the battle it took to get her to rest, and hopefully I will surrender my own struggle and find that same rest. I know it is not a one and done thing to rest, I was interrupted writing this to walk through it again for bedtime. But isnt that how it goes, and the Father guides, corrects and graciously points us on the path to find that rest once more. Just Rest.

Grief — a never ending journey

Tomorrow its been 11 months since my Pops passed away. In some ways its been the longest 11 months of my life, in other ways it feels like I was just holding his hand, watching him take his last breaths. This season of life is hectic, its chaos at times and for a while I shoved grief back into its little hole, pushing it down every time it tried to rear up..."not today, I just cant go there", I'd say to myself. "I don't have time for that." The weather changed here a few weeks back, turning into fall, a season I typically love. I found myself so angry inside. I couldn't figure out where the anger was coming from. I talked with my counselor about it, being assured this is all normal for the journey of grief. But, after our talk it hit me, all the grief I had been stuffing was memories of this time last year, the coolness of the weather, the sunshine, the smells, all those memories are flooding back. This time last year was extremely difficult in so many ways. I see now that walking through the difficult I didnt deal with alot of things that were happening, I couldnt. I was in survival mode. Its crazy to me how the weather can trigger the most bizarre memories of the last month we had with Pops on this earth. Some days, I just want to push pause and sit in my feelings, feeling every single one of them, but there is never enough time it seems. A couple weeke ago I was able to get away for a week, to slow down and sit by the ocean and that's where God met me and spoke so loudly to me. I wrote something after my first day at the beach -- God has allowed me to share it with a few people who are on their own journey of grief, maybe putting it on here will help someone else. I'm just being nudged to do it and I've learned 2 things here, we never know what God is doing on the other side of a prompting. One of the best excercises to help with grief is to help others with their grief, to validate them and to help them know they're not alone. I'm praying this helps just one.

The Ocean - I sat on the beach today and for the first time since Pops passed I felt like I could finally breathe. I inhaled deep. As I exhaled, the tears began to fall, "grief is like the ocean." How many times did someone say that to me after he died? And although I definitely felt it over the last 10 months — I experienced it today with all my senses. At times the ocean would trickle in softly touching my legs, bringing relief. Other times it would crash one wave after the other on the shore, when I was standing in it it would nearly knock me over. Sometimes the waves were refreshing, maybe because I had been sitting in the sun and I was hot. Other times they crashed one right after the other never giving me a break to secure my feet again. At one point I was sitting in the sand and a huge one came in without me seeing it coming and the effects of it literally slapped me in the face, stinging a bit but then it made me chuckle through my tears. How true is that phrase, grief is like the ocean. Sometimes the grief and tears relieve the pain and uncomfortableness, other times they hit so hard you wonder if you’ll ever recover and stand again. BUT, the most amazing part of this story is when God opened my eyes. A young family came and set up next to where we were sitting. It was fun to watch 2 little girls laughing and playing in the ocean. What took my breath away and caused me to see “grief like an ocean” in the most beautiful light was when I saw the father pick up his little girl and carry her out in the water.

He would help her stand and when he saw a wave coming, he gently lifted her above the wave so it wouldn’t knock her down, but she still felt the wave crashing on her legs. He did it over and over. They had no clue what they were exemplifying for me in that moment. God spoke. I had been asking Him to speak to me that morning and He spoke so loudly. He said, “my child, this is what I do for you as you walk this journey of grief out. I lift you up, you’ll still feel the waves crash, but ultimately you are safe in my arms. I won’t let them take you out or carry you back to danger. I’ll hold you in them.” Every wave that rolled in the sweet daddy picked up the little girl and then he would set her back down, standing, after it passed. Over and over, I could have watched them all day long. Grief is like the ocean, and one thing about the ocean is it doesn’t go away. It will always crash on the shores, but I’m so thankful to know that the Father, my Daddy, is holding me up, watching as the waves come and lifts me to safety, every single time. He won't stop. Yesterday, I passed by where dad worked for 30+ years and the memory that came to my mind was one I never saw with my own eyes, but I had been told about it several times. Dad would leave for work 30 minutes early every day, he would sit in his car and read the Bible before he would start the work day. what a legacy. What a testimony. What an example to be like. My pops wasn't perfect, he never pretended to be. He was real, He loved God, he loved his family and he loved people so much he wanted them to know Who Jesus is. As I continue to grow on this grief journey I'm learning its ok to have highs and lows - it will most likely always be this way. I'll never stop missing him. Just like the ocean, I may be ok one minute and the next minute slapped upside the face with a memory that brings me to tears, or laughter, but that is ok. One thing I KNOW, heaven is SO MUCH more real to me. Someone I love dearly is waiting there with my Jesus for me, not because he was a good man, although he was. But because he received the gift of Salvation, bought with the blood of Jesus Who died on the cross for the sins of all men. If you don't know that story, I would love to tell you what Jesus did for you too! Reach out!

I will not forget you. {adoption journey update}

Where to begin. It's been 18 months since I started the adoption journey. I know in the "adoption world" that is technically NOT a long time, I know personally many people who have had a much longer wait.

In a lot of ways, it has felt a lot longer than 18 months. It has been and continues to be a roller coaster. As much as I love adventure, roller coasters aren't my fav.

However, today my heart is settled and can be grateful for the last 18 months. I can't say I have had that attitude the entire journey, tomorrow very well could be a different story, but grateful is where my heart has landed today. This has been by far the MOST shaping journey of my life. It has had some pretty incredible highs and the lowest of lows I have ever experienced, and I am grateful. So grateful.

When the wait seems never ending and emotionally exhausting it is so easy to believe the lie that God must of forgotten about me. I'll be honest, I have bought that {LIE} many times.

This morning as I was up early doing stuff in the kitchen, I found myself asking God "could you please show me, today, in some tangible way that You have not forgotten me on my journey."

I needed to hear Him, to feel Him and to somehow know in a tangible way that He still has my story moving forward when all signs seem like its at a stand still.

I have a friend that sends out texts of Scripture pretty much EVERY DAY. I had been at work for over 30 minutes when the Scripture of the day came through on my phone. *I haven't talked to this friend in a while, he had no clue about my prayer that morning or where I was at in my adoption journey.

When the Scripture came through, I was alone in the salon.

The tears started falling down my face as I read these Words ---

Isaiah 49:15-16

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

I WILL NOT FORGET YOU!

I sat there and wept.

I found Isaiah 49 on my Bible App and had to read more...

Isaiah 49:17-23
Soon your descendants will come back, and all who are trying to destroy you will go away. Look around you and see, for all your children will come back to you. As surely as I live,” says the Lord, “they will be like jewels or bridal ornaments for you to display. “Even the most desolate parts of your abandoned land will soon be crowded with your people. Your enemies who enslaved you will be far away. The generations born in exile will return and say, ‘We need more room! It’s crowded here!’ Then you will think to yourself, ‘Who has given me all these descendants? For most of my children were killed, and the rest were carried away into exile. I was left here all alone. Where did all these people come from? Who bore these children? Who raised them for me?’” This is what the Sovereign Lord says: “See, I will give a signal to the godless nations. They will carry your little sons back to you in their arms; they will bring your daughters on their shoulders. Kings and queens will serve you and care for all your needs. They will bow to the earth before you and lick the dust from your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who trust in me will never be put to shame.”

In the NIV version the last verse says --
Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who {HOPE} in me will not be disappointed.

*emphasis mine

There's that word again {HOPE}.

I can't make this up.

I was a train wreck when my client walked through the door.

I asked for Him to show me in a tangible way that He hadn't forgotten me.

He answered through His Word. Through a friend acting on a prompting and sending a Scripture out in a mass text.

He heard my cry. He graciously answered.

He has not forgotten me.

I know I am not alone in thinking/feeling that the Lord has forgotten...{fill in the blank}. If we are honest, we have all been there.

The ONLY anchor I have to hold on to is HIM and His word. And every day when those doubts of Who He is and what He has asked of me come -- I have to CHOOSE to land on TRUTH. {Honestly -- I have failed more at this than I have succeeded, ask those who know me best.} BUT, TODAY, I choose to ANCHOR my heart in that He has NOT forgotten me.

He is Sovereign.

He has the perfect baby girl {for me} picked out, she just isn't ready yet!

HE HAS THE FINAL WORD! {Thank you Mandy F. for this reminder that continually goes through my head.}

I know people hesitate but want to ask what's going on -- the few but simple details are, I have my home study updated (they only last a year) and my agency is renewing my contract that expires Aug. 3. Since August 3 last year, I have now had 70 birth mom/baby situations sent to me. Currently I have 2 birth moms viewing my profile. I used to dwell on the number, I don't anymore. God knows what {her} number will be. I am just overly anal and had to have a spreadsheet to keep them all straight. :P

In the midst of it all, my heart chooses to have HOPE tonight, and rest in that I AM NOT FORGOTTEN.

Neither are you. :)

Adoption Journey - a year of redemption

January 20, 2015. The day I made a decision that has become a life changer for me. A year ago today, God spoke very loudly to me sitting at a picnic table on the back deck of the Harmony House in Harmons, Jamaica, while on a missions trip. You see, I had been resisting His leading for quite a long time, out right telling Him NO, I wasn't ready or going to adopt UNTIL I was married. Sure, adoption was on my radar but for many years I wanted it to be on MY timeline, not His. I'm so grateful for Laci Thurn who loved me enough to speak the truth the night before that caused my heart to race and my fears to rise to the top and also caused me to not sleep a wink that night as I wrestled this decision out with the Lord. I will never forget that moment the next morning (1.20.2015) I was reading through the team devotion material that I had personally written a couple months prior...the story was Esther, and it was my turn to lead that morning. The question was "what risk are you being asked to take so that others lives can be redeemed?" That question cut to the heart. I knew. I knew loud and clear what God was asking me, and I also knew I had a bucket load of fears to go with my answer. Fears that NOW are no where present.

Esther 4:13-14 NLT
Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

I remember God speaking to my heart and saying, "Amy, I will not force you to adopt, it is your choice...if you don't, I will bring redemption to that child another way...but, also, if you don't, YOU are the one that will miss out."

Clear as day was His call for me to adopt. In my answer I wrote was this -

"this scares the crap out of me but Lord, I am willing."

Once I said Yes, the fear that had been gripping my heart for so long was slowly releasing...I can't explain it.

FEARS GONE. (No coincidence that the song No Longer Slaves by Bethel Music is playing on my Pandora right now as I am typing this. It is a song about how as followers of Jesus, we are no longer slaves to FEAR, we are children of God...seriously, I can't make this up.)

This journey - WOWZA - it has been the BEST and the hardest journey of Faith I have ever taken.

Everything anyone had ever told me about adoption has been shown to be true. The good, the bad, the hard, the ugly, the beautiful...all of it.

I want this post to be about the BEAUTIFUL.

Yes, it has been hard, adoption is NOT for the faint of heart, I have learned that first hand. Right now, it seems the hardest...there's no end in sight. I have been told "no, I am sorry she chose another family" more times than I can count. I have been chosen by one, only for that situation to have many complications, and I have NO idea right now how it will end...I seriously cannot tell you what is happening...it is a ROLLER COASTER.

BUT

IT IS BEAUTIFUL

...and even when I am sitting at home, when my heart aches to be in Jamaica with this years team, when I don't hold a baby in my arms yet... I have an un-explainable peace. My heart is at rest, knowing that MY GOD Authors the BEST stories, and even when I can't see what He is doing, when I can't hear His voice, when I feel distant from Him....my heart KNOWS THIS - HE IS AT WORK. He has not forgotten. He is present. And my roots are DEEP in Him and the truth I KNOW about Him. He IS FAITHFUL.

So - here is the Beautiful of my journey this year. What a ride! (and it's not over yet!!)

Lessons Learned on My Adoption Journey -

What God authors, HE PROVIDES for. I am BLOWN AWAY at how He has provided for this adoption. BLOWN AWAY. I have learned that money should NEVER stand in the way of what God is asking me to do...it's ALL HIS. I didn't have a dime set aside for this journey when I started. Some may think that is being irresponsible...but, for me, God was was asking me to trust HIM to completely provide. To take a LEAP of Faith and see what He could do...to trust that He would provide EVERY penny needed...and that is EXACTLY what He has done. My heart is forever grateful for how He has used the generosity of others to make this possible. ONLY HIM. He has Authored AND provided.

I am not alone. One of my many fears was I never wanted to adopt alone, I never wanted to be a single mom...do you see a theme there, (I NEVER WANTED) - God has shown me in INCREDIBLE ways that although I am single and adopting, I AM NOT ALONE. He has held my hand and walked through EVERY single step with me...from meeting with social workers, to home study visits to fingerprinting and the many countless nights I have laid in bed and cried myself to sleep...HE IS THERE. He has brought people into each day that I thought I was walking alone, people that have tangibly been HIS presence to me. I have always been taught that God is ALWAYS with me...I'VE NOW LIVED IT. He is present and even in my darkest moments, HE IS THERE.

My VILLAGE - I am blessed. Seriously. I could NEVER of imagined the village God has given me for this journey. I'm humbled. I am in awe of the love out pouring from others. Literally Hundreds of people. Seriously...this child will NEVER be able to comprehend the world of love God has waiting for her. I've tried my best to say THANK YOU to my village but how do you make people really see the gratitude of your heart? Complete strangers have offered gifts and love and encouragement. Family and friends have showered me to the point where I don't even know what to do with it all. And it's not just stuff. It's words of encouragement at the needed moment, texts of Scripture, prayers at the exact time needed, hugs, a smile from across the gym at church...it is countless ways I have been extended the love of Christ on this journey. I am blown away. Thank You, Lord. Bless these People who make my village so completely wonderful.

Value of Authenticity - I have learned the value that comes from just being real. Friends, it is OK to just be real, to feel every emotion, to cry when needed, to ask why, to SHOUT for joy when your heart may burst, to sit in silence night after night, to be down at times, to pour out your heart in God's presence...to just BE. I have walked through so many highs and lows on this journey. It really is best described as a roller coaster. I have felt the highest of heights where I thought my heart couldn't feel any more joy and I have plummeted days later to the lowest of lows wondering why, things just not making sense. Just like on a roller coaster ride - you have NO control. You just have to buckle the seat belt and be securely anchored to God and hold on tight to the lap bar when you think you're gonna fly out and then at times raise your hands high and scream for joy...when we are authentic, it allows others around us to be authentic as well. I have learned to buckle up and ENJOY the ride, and P.S. I'm not a huge roller coaster fan.

Dig Deep - I have learned the value in having your roots planted deep. You HAVE to. I saw this quote today - When the root is deep, there's no reason to fear the wind. - The first thing it made me think of was the incredible parents I have been blessed with, parents that taught and still teach me to love Jesus and to go deep with Him. Parents that planted seeds in my heart of Scripture and desiring God. Those seeds took root and those roots continue to grow down deep and I am so grateful because when on the journey of adoption, "wind and storms" are inevitable, they WILL come. I have learned to just dig in deeper in my faith in Him when those moments have come. Moments that make you want to quit and go back to the comfort zone you were in. But, you can't. I have had to trust that He truly knows what He is doing. There's something beautiful about that...knowing that HE already knows. And I can trust HIM.

The JOURNEY is just as important as the DESTINATION - As much as I am aching to have my baby home, wherever she is, I have learned to just lean in to the lessons of the journey. The time spent with my Jesus has been the sweetest time I have ever known. I have grown so much in my faith in Him. He has answered many prayers, so many. Some prayers, the answer has been NO, that's not what I have for you. And in the NO's, HE IS STILL GOOD. Because I have seen first hand His adoption story unfold in many lives before my journey, I KNOW I can trust that even in the No's - He is still at work and His plan for me is THE BEST. The journey has been LIFE CHANGING. I'm not the same person I was a year ago today. ONLY HIM.

A year ago, this room was my bedroom, now, it holds so much joy, so much love given by so many. I spend my mornings in here, reading my Bible and drinking coffee. I look around the room and I see the faces of SO MANY loved ones who have generously given for my daughter and I and I weep for joy. She is loved. She's not even here yet and my journey to her has brought so much redemption in my own life.

"Adoption is hard, adoption is worth it." Anyone that tells you it's hard will ALWAYS follow it up by saying IT'S WORTH IT. It is messy. It has caused me to see the ugliness of my own heart. It has helped me to embrace God's grace and loving forgiveness in a whole new way. There are many uncertainties on the road of adoption and it's hard to hand the steering wheel over and over to the Driver, but I've learned I HAVE TO. God knows where this journey is taking me, and I will trust HIM - EVEN WHEN ITS HARD AND I CANNOT SEE - I will believe with ALL my heart that He is up to something GREAT. It's Who He is. He is a GOOD - GOOD - Father.

I am so GRATEFUL for the broken yet BEAUTIFUL journey of Adoption...the BEST is yet to come!

2014 - A Year of OPPORTUNITY.
This year has been and continues to be FULL of opportunity. Opportunity to serve, here at home, at my job daily, in my church and to the ends of the earth and I couldn't be MORE EXCITED! I am reminded of

John 10:10
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

I can honestly say I have experienced both sides of this verse this year and I am embracing the latter. God has blessed more than I could imagine and I am walking through every door He opens!

That said, here's what the year looks like!

January '14-God gave me an incredible week leading and serving in Harmons, Jamaica with Won by One. It truly was a refreshing and healing week for me. I heard God speak very clear messages to me all week long and I experienced His presence through time spent with Him, through my Jamaican brothers and sisters in Christ and also through my team. It was truly another life changing trip.

April '14- I have another opportunity to go and serve for 3 weeks in Peru and Ecuador.

May '14/June '14 - this summer I have a new opportunity that I am very excited about! Won by One to Jamaica {the ministry I have served with yearly for the last 6 years through my church} has asked me to come and mentor their summer staff. Their summer staff is comprised of 7-8 college students from the states. The summer staff serves for 8 weeks in Harmons as they help lead the teams that come through each week. I will be traveling down May 25-June 8 & June 22-July 6 to go and serve along side of them as a Spiritual Director. Discipleship is a great passion of mine and I am most excited about mentoring these students and helping them on their journey's of knowing and experiencing Christ. Please pray with me for clear direction from God as to the needs they have and how I can be used in their lives to make an eternal impact.

October '14 - Peru - My church will be taking a team back to the same children's home in Peru that I will be visiting in April and I am excited to go and serve once again with them.

You might say....WOW, THAT'S ALOT! You are SO RIGHT, it is! And my heart couldn't be beating any faster as I type this...as I am listening to "the Lord our God is ever Faithful, never changing through the ages...You're the Lord our God....we won't move without You, we wont move without You Lord!" He has shown His faithfulness over and over to me and I am determined to be grateful for EVERYTHING He gives. He has given me GREAT OPPORTUNITY this year and I want it ALL!

Would you pray with me...

Pray for God's presence to continue to be tangible and sustaining.
Pray that I stay healthy in all of these travels and while at home.
Pray that I would take every opportunity to tell my story at home, to my family and friends, to my clients at work and to take EVERY OPPORTUNITY God gives here to lift His name high!


Humbled and Grateful,
Amy

ready

READY~Lindsay McCaul
Broken, I come broken
Eyes closed, Heart wide open
I'm ready to get back to where we used to be
I lift up my face
Pleading for grace
and you are..

Chorus
Ready, to answer every time I call
You are waiting to catch the pieces as they fall
You've seen every tear
You're standing by to draw me near
I am finally down on my knees
And you are ready

You never asked me for perfection
I'd never make it if I tried
But I kept searching for the chance to clear my blame
For my foolish pride
With you waiting all the while
And you are...(Chorus)


~I've pretty much had this song on repeat since I've been here.

I came on this trip with 2 words--{great anticipation}.

No expectations.

No real plan.

Just {ready} for whatever God had waiting for me.

Have you ever hit a dry season in your journey? A time where you had allowed yourself to become so drained that you had nothing left to give?? That's exactly where I found my thirsty heart prior to this trip. If I'm being honest--I was spent...I'd become lazy in my time with Christ...and I had allowed the cares of this life to weigh me down.

I relate to the words of this song so much...broken--I come broken, eyes closed heart WIDE OPEN. It has been great to get away from life as I know it...in times of solitude {here} there's no place to go--and I have been "forced" to deal with the state of my heart. I realized I had been ignoring the nudgings of The Lord to deal with issues in my heart that were not pleasing to Him. I've found grace and redemption in repentance. {I'm READY to get back to where we used to be} My time with The Lord has been so sweet. Sometimes I think I lose sight and feeling of what grace and forgiveness looks and feels like. It's a sweet spot to be in. God has been speaking so much to me on this journey and I realize that's no different than time in the states--its just that I've slowed down to actually listen. I like the part of the song that says--

You never asked me for perfection
I'd never make it if I tried
But I kept searching for the chance to clear my blame
For my foolish pride
With you waiting all the while

Those words sink deep--and I find myself in a state of repentance again--to think that I have the power to change myself...I admit I am a perfectionist...and God has been revealing to me that I have been trying to be a perfectionist at my walk with Him--that task is impossible. My load has felt so much lighter as I am learning that the mask of perfectionism has to come off...there is only ONE Who is Perfect--and it is ONLY IN HIM--that I am complete.

So--not to be self centered but so far this trip has been one of solitude...self reflection and repentance...and sweet fellowship with my Savior. Sweetly broken--wholly surrendered.

I'm ready for whatever He has next!

PEOPLE-

I love the people here---both Peruvians and North Americans.

My Peruvian friends feel like family--I know it's culture here and also how they are training the children---but I cannot get enough of the way they greet each other, including me. It seriously makes you feel like a million bucks. It has been convicting to me--do I let those that I love feel the same way {these precious people} make me feel MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!?! It's something I want to remember and not go back to being the same--it's so simple how the way we greet each other can make {or break} someone of feeling valued. The simple daily greetings have filled my cup up!

I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to live here in their community, to be accepted as family, to see all the progress that God has allowed to go on here...it's seriously unbelievable to look back and to see how far God has brought this place and to see the redemption of lives that is taking place...incredible!

Meal times are probably my favorite time of the day--it's community. It's praying together, sharing a meal, hearing lots of laughter--it's great times of joy. Real JOY. {oh and real good food too!}

I find myself just observing the children through out the time I am with them--if it's true {which it is} that we are to come to the Father as a child--I've got a lot of learning to do. As I was watching them play--I was caught up and lost in the uninhibited downright craziness of fun they were having! No being serious--no wondering about insecurities or if they were being judged by others--just pure squeals of delight in enjoying one another and their time together. Not a care in the world--especially one of the lil guys who was running so fast on the playground equipment he completely forgot to see the drop off and ran right off it face first into the sand! Oops-a-daisy!!! Didn't even phase him, he just got up and laughed and then ran off again! It was priceless. Oh I want to learn to be like a child again--I challenge us all, next time you're in the presence of a child--take time to LEARN. Learn about yourself, learn about the Father and don't leave that time the same person you were when you entered it. I LOVE these kiddos and am learning so much from them!

There is a group of us North Americans here {7} who are diving into the Word together 3 times a week. {Jim and TKay, David M., Ayla, Tony and Katie Hernandez and myself.} God has also brought 2 other couples {Corey and Rachel / Woody and Sylvia} this past week and I am loving these opportunities to connect with new brothers and sisters in Christ and learn from them as well as growing together with life long friends. Our community time has been precious filled with worship and challenging studies. I am learning so much from these precious people. Lesson learned--let God use the people in your life to teach you more about HIM and His word. I'm getting a front row seat of believers that LIVE OUT His words...it's truly inspiring!

SERVING--

I came to serve. And I am loving it! Whether that looks like making a menu, a grocery list or a meal, or walking to the market to get fruits and vegetables to picking up a paint brush, or a broom or even a screw driver--my little taste of heaven on earth yesterday was getting up to fix all the little chicas hair for their city parade...I'm grateful that I get to help in whatever capacity that looks like. TKay has made me my own little list and it's been fun to get to be creative and help her out. Serving others definitely brings joy. I've learned that when you just say "whatever You want, Lord" He lets you do what you love. I mean come on now...I'm getting to love and serve through cooking {one of my favorite things in the world} and also through being creative {who God has made me to be} I'm overwhelmed by HIS GOODNESS.

ENCOURAGEMENT--

I will close this post with encouragement I have received from Scripture--His word is ALIVE!

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. (Psalms 16:5 NLT)

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears. You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. God’s way is perfect. All the Lord ’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect. (Psalms 18:6, 28, 30, 32 NLT)

The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. (Psalms 19:8 NLT)


How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:12-14 NLT)

Show your strength, God, so no one can miss it. We are out singing the good news! (Psalm 21:13 MSG)

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. (Isaiah 30:15 NIV)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
—Psalm 62:5

That's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't make it easy for himself by avoiding people's troubles, but waded right in and helped out. "I took on the troubles of the troubled," is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it's written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we'll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus! (Romans 15:3-6 MSG)

{KEEPING ALERT FOR WHATEVER HE WILL DO NEXT!}

Sweetly broken--wholly surrendered {thank you Rachel Hunka for sharing that with me!}
Amy

Don't LOOK BACK!

Front Page of the KC Star this morning-the story of my pastor and his resignation. Although I already knew-I guess reality had hit and I'm just not ready to let go. Through my tears I began to get ready for church, wondering in my heart and mind what our 1st Sunday would look like without him being up front. How would this affect our church body? What's next? How do we move forward in all of this? Questions bombarded my thoughts. As I was driving to church I heard God speak very loudly and clearly-DON'T LOOK BACK!

You see when I start reflecting on how God has used this man, Joey Butler, my pastor to spur me on to all God has for my life I break. I have had many wonderful leaders in my life. Many men and women of God who have had an integral part of my journey with Christ and have helped me take significant steps in my walk...coming to Gateway Church 5 years ago was life changing for me. I was taught how to find my identity in Scripture, I was empowered to discover and do what God has made me to be, I was given incredible opportunity and I have grown greatly under Joey's leadership. I've never had a pastor so unique as Joey-I appreciate so much his out of the box thinking, teaching and living. In light of the changes taking place-I get very overwhelmed and selfishly sad as I look back...I grieve, I cry...I'm not ready to let go. And I hear God say again-DON'T LOOK BACK!

When I look forward and see the beauty of the news-I rejoice for my pastor and his family-God is giving them time to have together...looking even further ahead and trying to view things in light of eternity I rejoice that Joey will be one day {as we all will be} in the very presence of Christ. I'm reminded that it doesn't get any better than that and that is truly what our lives here on earth are about...right? When I step outside of my human thinking into His eternal thinking I truly rejoice...and I have to admit I'm a bit jealous.

The message at church today was timely-moving as the Spirit leads-not stopping when we are stirred. Part of the message led to Philippians 3 and there it was again-DON'T LOOK BACK!


I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (Philippians 3:12-14 NLT)


I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it. (Philippians 3:12-16 MSG)

God has done great things through my pastor and I have no doubt that He will continue to do so and if anything, Joey has inspired and motivated me to keep pressing on, never settle for less than total commitment to Christ...no matter what obstacles come.

Life is short and I for too long have been looking back...when the BEST {eternity with Christ} is yet to come. Someone said once that in light of eternity our life on earth is merely 7 seconds long. SEVEN SECONDS. Today God has challenged me to take ALL the lessons I have been taught by so many great leaders-especially Joey Butler-and make sure that I'm not just looking back "reminiscing" about them but truly to LIVE THEM OUT LOUD!

So for me "I'm off and running-and I'm not looking back!" {and I'm so incredibly grateful for my pastor who has literally shown me through his life what that looks like!}

Lessons learned - in Jamaica

If there is one lesson I learned on my recent trip to Harmons, Jamaica it was this: STAND on the promises of God. It was a lesson that came at the end of the week for me.

We had an incredible week serving with WonbyOne and spending time with our Jamaican friends. It was a trip that I saw friendships deepen, lives challenged and blessings abound. And as I learned once again {in a missions perspectives class last night} going and serving in mission work is not for us but for God to receive greater glory...He doesn't need us, yet He allows us to have a part in what He is doing in the world, A job that He could do without our help but yet He let's us have a part because He desires glory and He desires fellowship with us. There was definitely fellowship with Him and I pray He received all the glory.

Even in the midst of an incredible week, one that I continued to hear Gods voice, sometimes right in the minute I needed a word, I still struggled. I once vowed that I'd never be the older single girl that always was talking abut my singleness...but that was the battle this week, the struggle, the tug of war if you will between my head and my heart, the spirit and the flesh were at war..all week...and it never let up. I didn't go on this trip prepared for this...I've been doing really good about this subject but I guess when you're asked {no joke} up to 10x per day..."you have kids? {no} why not? {no husband} you're not married? {no} why? {haven't met the right one yet...I'm waiting on God} and the best was {no joke} you're the oldest white girl I've met who isn't married {really?} mentally exhausted all I could do was be transparent and the encouragement I received from my team was priceless. A word fitly spoken in due season. God used my team greatly and I saw great victory.

Friday, our last day in Harmons, I was sitting outside having some quiet time and my friend Sarah came over and put a piece of paper in front of me. It was torn from a devotional book and it was about Matthew 7:7-11, ask/seek/knock. It was talking about how God has far greater purpose in our prayers than just asking and receiving. He wants Us to learn more about Who He is. He wants us to draw others into our petitions so that when the answer finally comes its turned into a testimony of the glory and goodness of God. "Don't just ask, seek and knock; keep asking, seeking and knocking. Such times of persistence lead to a greater more memorable experiences of His goodness."

I was greatly encouraged by this note and my heart was lifted from the battle I'd been in all week...and that wasn't all. The ending verses were Matthew 7:7-11 and what hit me the hardest was the verse 11, you see that was a PROMISE God had given to me when I was a senior in high school. 17 years ago. A promise that one day God would give me a husband and fulfill the desire to be married. A promise I'd lost sight of.

So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. (Matthew 7:11 NLT)

What happened next was really cool. We'd been receiving encouragement cards all week from friends and family back home. I opened next one of the cards from a dear friend. Her words were so comforting. The end of her card included words from an old hymn "standing on the promises of Christ my King". And then she said something I will never forget..."my prayer is that you'd stand the promises of God this week."

I can't explain the embrace I felt in that moment from God. Did she know that the very thing I'd struggle with all week would be something that 17 years ago God had already given me a promise too? No! But God did! Did she know that a friend on the trip would tear out a page of a devotional to encourage me with? No! But God did! I can't explain it...all I know is I learned a very valuable lesson. STAND. EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T HOLD THE ANSWER. you never quit believing the promises of God. The word in that verse that holds my promise is "WILL"...it's His word. He is Faithful to His word. Just because its been 17 years with several heart breaks and no end in sight doesn't mean I give up. Another passage of scripture I continually hold to is

All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16 NLT)

The part that has always stuck out to me is that THEY DIED IN THEIR FAITH, THEY NEVER physically held the promise BUT that didn't mean they quit believing. I believe they could do this only because they saw with eyes of faith, what was waiting for them at the end, the prize...JESUS. They knew life on earth wasn't ALL there is!

I was reminded again this week that Jesus MUST BE ENOUGH. I know the "dying in faith not receiving" is hard to wrap our human brains around, but I ask myself...is it really going to matter in the end if I was married or not? No. What will matter is will I believe the One WHO IS ABLE with all my heart, EVEN IF I never receive? I by no means have this faith thing mastered. I'm human, even now as I type this sitting in a home by myself lonely night after night after night wishing there would be someone here at home just to share my day with or just someone to share a meal with, I'm reminded of my frailty and how desperately I need my faith to be increased. And in His still sweet way , He speaks through a song playing the back ground..."You're always enough for me." That truth sinks deep, and I believe with all my heart that once more, He truly is enough. He's enough for a heart that is lonely, a heart that wants to give up at times on a promise it was given 17 years ago, a heart that is scared and let's fear have more control more than I'd admit...He's enough. I always go back to a prayer I prayed on my knees in 1999 at a church service that said "Lord, if its just me and You the rest of my life, I'm ok with that." And deep down in my heart, I am ok, all is well when I choose to look at my life with eyes of eternity. It's when I look at life through temporal eyes that fear takes control.

So today I CHOOSE to stand on the promises God has made, I CHOOSE to learn more of Who He is in the waiting, I CHOOSE to let others see the rawness and realness of my heart and to let God use my story to draw others in to know Him, I CHOOSE to continue to ASK, SEEK AND KNOCK. I choose to believe and know that He is ENOUGH.

Standing.

and...CHECK!

what a GREAT week and weekend. I was determined this week to live life to the full....and I did! {and looking back I see I got a lot crossed off the 'ol bucket list!}

John 10:10 says...I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. {MSG}

I'm learning {slowly and painfully at times} that His life for me is WAY BETTER than any life I could dream up.

From "hot-cocoa shindigs" and reading bed-time stories to little people to dinner with girlfriends, coffee with a sweet friend, home-made soup and a hot chocolate movie night with precious friends, a fun Saturday morning date baking cookies and dancing with my favorite little Peruvian...and wrapping the weekend up with an incredible Christmas {The Story} Concert and a church Christmas night of worship...whew! It was a great week and weekend and I realize how much I am blessed. Blessed to have friends that encourage me and do this thing called life together. Blessed to have amazing parents that are constantly calling me just to "check in" and show they care...blessed to have been blessed with so much. Counting my blessings this morning definitely brings a smile to my face as to how much God loves me...how much He loves all of us. His love is unfathomable.

I was brought to tears and completely inspired by the Story concert. Basically it's the Bible set to music. Stories that I have heard and read my whole life brought TO LIFE. In the words of another friend who attended..."who knew I could relate so well to the life of Moses?" It was incredible.

I wrote down some of my favorite lines from the evening...

"When others told Joshua NO WAY...Joshua shouted YAHWEH!"

"Don't lose sight of Who HE IS...It must be YOU...Moses"

"You gotta ask if you want an answer...Esther"

"Who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?....Job"

so many stories to relate to...and I came away from the night realizing I had lost sight of WHO HE IS. I have been consumed with my life and have missed seeing His hand prints at every step. I walked away wanting to KNOW Him more...I walked away desiring to pull my Bible out and read up on these stories that maybe have become too familiar and asking God to give me a fresh look at each one. I walked away desiring Him more.

I really needed this week...and I thank God for it. It makes me even more determined to live out this next week with the same urgency and watch what God will do!

Christmastime "bucket list"

...lately I have been quite inspired by the way my pastor is living his life. Being diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer this time last year has caused him to live his life with such an urgency. I'm inspired by how he is living life to the fullest and making the most of the time he has been given.

Shouldn't we all live life that way?

Diagnosis or not, we should all be living life redeeming the time. Making the most of every opportunity...taking every chance we get...sharing Christ with all we meet. Not only does his life inspire me to live my life with urgency, it has also inspired me to make a Christmastime "bucket list" this year. There are so many things I've always wanted to do at Christmas but either don't take the time or I'm lazy or I just let life consume me...not this year, nope! I'm determined to live my life with urgency and to make the most of every minute and enjoy the journey in the process. By that, I mean I'm gonna make a list of the things I've always wanted to do and this year...NO EXCUSES! If it's a children's activity...well by golly, I'm gonna go treat a special little person {Lord knows I may not have my own...but He sure has blessed me with loads of special little people!}...if it involves a family activity...I'm gonna invite one to go with me...God has blessed me and this season I CHOOSE to focus on what He has given me and not get trapped in the viscous lonely {down right depressing if I'm being transparent} cycle of what the holidays can be for a {single} girl...

so...here's my bucket list:

1. Christian {Christmas} Concert.
2. Church Christmas Play{s}
3. Go to a Christmas Tree Farm and cut a tree down.
4. Bake Cookies and anonymously drop them off at people's homes.
5. Hot chocolate and peppermint mmmhmmm shindigs ;)
6. Walk around the plaza to see the lights while drinking Sbux deliciousness.
7. Go for a drive in "Christmas in the Park" with my dad.
8. Christmas Caroling.
9. Send Christmas Cards early.
10. Hallmark Christmas movies...tons of them!
11. Hand-make all gifts and try not to spend a fortune on supplies.
12. Elf. {and all my other fav Christmas movies}
13. Buy some new Christmas pj's {I've always wanted some for Christmas Eve}
14. Be intentional about each activity I'm involved in...be present.
15. Be intentional with my out of town family and friends...give the gift of value.
16. Bake cookies with my nieces.
17. Take my parents to a nice dinner.
18. Go the extra mile with my clients. {I'm thinking cards}
19. Get my girlfriends and go sit on Santa's lap-picture time!
20. Christmas Eve movie with my Bro.
21. Christmas Eve Service.
22. Serve.
23. Read JKD Christmas Book diligently.
24. Make a meal for a family.
25. Have friends in my home...alot.

junk -> treasure

Ever heard the line "one man's junk is another man's treasure?"

I've seen this clearly the last couple of days as I have had the opportunity to help out with some renovations for our new salon. Laci and I have spent the last couple of days scouring through the local thrift stores and flea market along with hitting up the good old Hobby Lobby for the sales...and we were able to find some great junk...oops, I mean deals! We like to be thrifty and crafty and let's just say we have seen some junk turned into "treasures"...yes they are just temporal treasures but we are excited for this new journey and mission field God has given us and we just can't wait to make it our "new home."

As we were eye-balling things to decorate our new place with I said to her...don't look at this {the ugly frame or the weird looking mirror} for what it is now...you gotta look at it for what it CAN BE. Isn't that what God does when He looks at our humanity...so grateful for His eyesight. {now that's a message right there...} Last night we hauled all our loot to her husband's paint booth and lets just say we saw the "junk" transformed before our very eyes! Her husband {the expert} got his paint gun out and pretty soon {I'm talking really quickly} our junk turned into beautiful white pieces that looked brand new. All I could think about was how that's what God did when He sent Christ down to be our Savior...He made a way for our "junky lives" to be turned into beautiful masterpieces. The transformation that was taking place before our eyes in the paint booth is the same transformation that takes place when one decides to receive the gift God offers in His Son and chooses to follow HIM. Beautiful Transformation!

Today as I was scrubbing out the old refrigerator we will use I was reminded again of what Christ sacrifice on the cross did for me...you see, this fridge had seen better days...it was pretty dirty on the inside and out. As I worked with my rag, brush and bottle of bleach cleaner I saw the same transformation take place...what once looked like junk {I was even told by one of the workers there "good luck getting that cleaned...you'll never get it cleaned up!"} turned into a fridge that looked brand new. I love the analogy here too...how many people do we pre-judge and say..."good luck with that soul...there's no hope for them" and yet God get a hold of their lives and you see a complete transformation. A life that once looked hopeless is now brand spankin' new!

let's just say...we had a little church today! lessons learned.

guatemala '12

2 weeks later and I'm still processing. What an adventure. I truly went on this trip with NO EXPECTATIONS. I was already amazed that God let me be a part of this journey...and have a part in what He was doing in 8 other lives and also in what He was already at work doing in Guatemala. {side note: I feel humbly blessed that God allowed me to go on yet another journey to a foreign land this year...and on top of that that He would put it on the hearts of a dear out-of-state couple to support this journey is beyond what my simple mind can wrap around...He is Good and He DOES HAVE great plans!}

My worst nightmare came true the day of departure...I OVERSLEPT an hour and a half...UGH! I was supposed to pick my mother up so she could drive me and another girl to the airport at 3:30am...she called me {I was still sleeping} at 3:40am...oh my goodness! PANIC!!! God was Good and we arrived only 20 minutes after the rest of the team...how that happened...I don't know all I know is I was relieved!

My 1st view of Guatemala was breathtaking from the plane. Mountains and volcanoes...it was beautiful! Guatemala City looked like home...very modern. I truly was excited to get to the orphanage that we would call home for a week. Our new friend Darby was an excellent hostess and I praise God for how He knitted our hearts together so quickly. She was such a blessing to our team all week. I especially enjoyed learning her story and how God led her to serve there. Sacrifice and Commitment are the 2 words I will use to describe her. What a gift from God.

There are many lessons I learned while on this journey but perhaps the greatest one reminds me of an old song my mom used to sing when I was little..."little is much when God is in it." We may have been small in numbers but we serve a GREAT BIG GOD who allowed us to be a part of some huge things that week. I learned to never underestimate what God wants to do. He can use anything or anyone to accomplish His purpose. Since we didn't have a blog I updated my FB daily to keep people in the loop. I'm going to copy and paste those status' below to have for a memory. What a great adventure!

Guatemala Day 1: beautiful city/ beautiful people/ amazing ministry and staff to serve with/ challenged and inspired by YOUNG people who have sacrificed ALL to serve in this place/ incredibly blessed by and proud of this team!

Guatemala day 2: I can't even put into words the description of this day. As we went around the dinner table tonight sharing our "highs" there were way too many to share. Only one full day in this amazing place and 9 lives have already been deeply impacted by amazing peolpe. Best way to describe what we're doing: But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG) thanks for all the prayers...everyone is healthy and we start a very full week tomorrow! What a blessing to be here and serve...our hearts are full...all glory to our GREAT GOD!

Guatemala Day 3: we hit the ground running! The words of an old song come to mind tonight "little is much when God is in it..." Our team may be small in numbers but through Christ, we are seeing and experiencing so much. Highs of the day {per our team time} a rainbow in the sky~even when there was no rain/a woman in her 60's being able to see well for the 1st time/helping give better eyesight to a 15yr old/unsolicited and unconditional love from these precious people/going around the table and sharing our highs of the day as a group/worship in the salon....lets just say...it's been an incredible day! Can't wipe the smiles off of our faces!

Guatemala Day 4: the best way to sum up this day was what took place around our dinner table tonight...LOADS OF LAUGHTER! We are all definitely enjoying this journey! We are seeing miracles before our very eyes...we are using our bodies in service both at this home and in other children's homes...people have been given the opportunity to see clearly for the 1st time in their lives...We have literally felt the love of God pour out of these precious people...we had the opportunity of loving on one of the house moms today {a 22 yr. old single girl who has devoted her life to what God has asked of her and right now that looks like caring for 10 4-6yr old children...seriously~that SCREAMS sacrifice and dedication}...the boys enjoyed a game of soccer with the kids and I'm pretty sure I saw Josh and Cade turned into "horses" so the ninos could be "cowboys"...it's been a GRANDIOSO day!

Just so everyone knows...we are all ok here in Guatemala. We all felt the earthquake and it was a big one but we are all safe. The area that was greatly affected is further west of us...thank you for all the prayers and concerns! What an adventure!

Guatemala Day 5: NEVER a dull moment! Eye care team left bright and early for another children's home with 350+ children...they were able to see 215 of them today! 7.4 earthquake...for real! Josh and Cade have some serious painting skills and were also a huge help in the baby house today! Lisa, Meghan and I sorted through all the donations...the joy on the house mom's faces said it all...priceless! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd be cutting babies hair while listening to Christmas music being played in Guatemala...we are definitely having the time of our lives serving here! We are humbled and blessed that we get to be a teeny weeny part of what God is doing here!

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT)

Guatemala Day 6: not enough words to describe this day...from painting at the clinic to kids moment with Lisa to tons more haircuts and loving on all the precious children...our day got even better when the eye care team came back and shared all their stories with us...lets just say lots of tears! There are a ton of amazing stories from this week...PLEASE ASK US! We want to share!!! And then the icing on the cake was the send-off they have us tonight: each home {8 of them} got up individually and thanked us with cards/songs/skits for being here...it was priceless! What a wonderful week! We will end our time here tonight with Barnabas {encouragement} Time and then we are off to Antigua bright and early. Thank you for all the prayers...God is SO GOOD!

Guatemala Team is in Houston...bodies tired but hearts full!

What a great team, a great week...and a GREAT GOD! It was truly a week I won't soon forget and one that continues to keep me on my knees asking God what my role is in HIS great plan for orphans.

James 1:26-27 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

processing...

...I have to admit I have felt a little bit on "auto pilot" since arriving home from Peru...maybe I should've given myself a few more days before diving back into work, but I figured my clients had been so gracious it was time...and although it's been a challenge, I am glad I did get right back into life. I can say I have never felt so incredibly loved and missed by everyone...that feels really good. Even when I don't know exactly how to answer the questions {without brutal honesty that people might not understand} I have so appreciated all the hugs and the "welcome home" {s} and the {we've missed you!}...makes me feel great in the midst of trying to process this all out. Even though I have had several days and even a couple weeks to process this journey...the words to describe it have failed me at times. There is so much to tell. A couple of nights ago I found the booklet a friend of mine had made for me for my trip...it contains Scriptures and challenges and centering thoughts that were so timely while I was in Peru. I hadn't had the chance to finish it and little did I know, she had continued it for a couple days after arriving home...one of the days contained questions that I have found very helpful in processing. So, in trying to sum up this experience {which I am sure is going to take more than one blog post} I thought it would help me to process by answering her questions. 1} How did God challenge you this summer? ~The word {challenge} has been one that I have used frequently to describe my time in Peru. The journey was very challenging and shaping. One of the ways I was greatly challenged was in the area of dying to self. Sure, I have been taught my entire life that "you must die to yourself/ take up your cross/ follow God no matter what"...although I do NOT have this mastered by any means...God definitely challenged me in this area and I have to say I grew a smidge. Whether it was dying to myself in something small like eating rice and beans for the umpteenth time when I would've loved to have one of my favorite meals or spending time listening when I would've rather been having alone time or dying to myself in big areas of putting my desires, my plans, my dreams on the altar and saying continually..."YOUR will be done, not mine"...I was challenged daily for sure to say no to myself and yield to what God wanted for me. I will say, dying to self is painful...but I have found that there can be great joy in the midst of intense pain. How God can do that...I have no clue all I know is I experienced it and I am changed because of this challenge. I was also challenged to NOT tell God {in my heart} what I WILL and WILL NOT do. I'm ashamed to admit that I did that in my heart out of fear, insecurity and pride...but I was humbled once again and found myself in a place of repentance and submission to HIS Lordship and was reminded of the very words that are written on my wrist...{HERE AM I}. Another challenge was something I immediately have implemented on arriving home. I was challenged that my job has become a HUGE idol in my life. I am a workaholic and life is way too short for that. I need to trust that HE IS my Provider and that working less will give me more opportunity to rest, to have time for true fellowship with others {which will keep me from battling loneliness} and it will grow my faith in HIM...so, the work hours have changed and will start the last week of August. 2} How did you see the fulfillment of God's promise in Jer. 29:11 ~For those that know me, you know that Jer.29:11 was the Scripture that God used to start this whole MDP journey for me. Jeremiah 29:11-14 This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it. I think it's safe to say we {the whole gang} experienced the Sovereignty of God in this program...He had it all planned out...from Scripture lining up to what we were dealing with on the very specific day to His timing for ministry to seeing His movement in our lives...every step was PLANNED by Him and it was AMAZING to eye-witness. I truly felt taken care of BY GOD Himself...never once did I feel abandoned...no matter what was going on, His presence was near...tangible at times...and His voice spoke directly into the depths of my heart...I truly experienced Emmanuel, God with us. I can honestly say after this experience...He TRULY knows what He is doing...He can be trusted...because HE IS FAITHFUL! I learned that promise to be truth. 3} Did you learn anything new about your identity or calling? ~YES! Something my pastor challenges us to do is to search the Scriptures and write out a personal identity statement that is based on Truth. 3 years ago I did this and while this was a challenge that we presented to the MDP's, I found myself working on my identity statement more...I don't have it all quite re-written but I KNOW a new part of my identity is that I AM A DISCIPLE OF CHRIST. I can't say I really understood what that meant until this trip. Here I was placed in a place of leadership to "disciple" others and yet I walked away feeling like I had been the one discipled. {love how God does that!} So, I am purposed to study out what it means to be a disciple of Christ and build that into my identity statement. Another piece of Identity that I want to incorporate in my statement is this Scripture: Luke 9:24~If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. I relate to this verse not because I am good at it, but because it challenges me to live this kind of life...daily. I have been asked SO MANY questions on arriving home...some have been GREAT thought provoking questions that have truly helped me to process this journey...others, well...oh, no need to go there. :) Someone asked me a GREAT one yesterday: "What is one thing you miss the most?" the answer just flew out of my mouth...I MISS the living in community with others. Don't get me wrong...I am COMPLETELY SURROUNDED by friends and family that love me and shower me with that love and I am SO GRATEFUL...but my house is too quiet and I can't really say I enjoy eating meals by myself...I miss my door being opened all day long and the girls just popping in at all hours just to chat {or eat Nutella}...I miss TonyKay texting me to come join her in her apartment for coffee in the mornings...or our late night leader meetings in their cozy home...I miss being greeted by the little people for meals and sitting at a table full of people to share them with. I miss having people to say "buenas dias" and "buenas noches" to...even when I needed to take time to myself and escape to my room...I miss knowing that someone was always there...their footsteps reminded me that I was not alone...I greatly miss our daily worship/discussion times where all you could feel was God's presence embracing you...I REALLY enjoyed our community life in Peru and it is something that I will be more intentional to live out more of here because I KNOW it can be experienced here too! So when asked about my trip...be prepared...honest transparency is all I have to share...my first response has been it was by far the most challenging and shaping journey of my life BUT it was also one of the most rewarding journey's too...just because you say YES to what God asks of you doesn't mean it will be an easy path...in fact it will probably be anything but that...just look at the path that led Christ to the cross...easy??? NO. But since HE walked it for me and for you...He has shown us that no matter what path in life He asks us to walk...He will walk it right beside us...He truly knows every thought and every feeling we face as we walk the journey...He doesn't ask us to do anything that He Himself hasn't already endured. We can endure and know that the journey is worth it. To see the fruit that God produced in each one of our lives on this journey...TOTALLY WORTH IT. He didn't have to reveal that fruit this side of eternity...but HE did...and I truly believe He did because He is GOOD. And His plans are GOOD. Hebrews 12:1-2 ~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Keeping my eyes on Jesus, ~Amy

...makes my heart beat fast!

All in a week's adventure! So, last week was a team week. We had a team made up of 7 different people from 3 different states. Let's just say they were all a blessing and we enjoyed the journey of a week full of adventures that definitely make your heart beat fast! I can speak for everyone that our quiet time and worship/discussion times were most meaningful. A lesson learned for me on this journey has been that it's not about me being in Peru "doing" things for God. God simply wants me to "BE" here with Him and just live out life with Him and engage with Him in what HE is already doing. Some highlights of our "being with God" week included community ministry where at 3 different churches we (the ladies) had the opportunity of pampering the women with manicures and pedicures. No matter where you are in the world, ladies like to have their nails pretty! A special moment for me was when I was able to give Pastora Alicia a manicure and then through our wonderful translator Eka, I was able to pray with Pastora...a moment I won't soon forget! At one of the churches we were invited to that pastors house after for coffee and toast w/jam.  I was excited for the invite and knew we couldn't turn it down but I'd also had to send our translator and another girl back to the home for the sponsorship dinner...so here we were following the pastor down the streets to her house...Dave was calling me telling me he was coming to get us and we were on a time crunch, I had no idea where we were to tell him how to find us, I couldn't communicate to ask where we were (thankfully one of the team girls knew more Spanish than me!) I knew that the pastor was making coffee for us with not so great water...prayed over that! It was crazy! Crazy but fun too to share his special time with these women! They were going from home to home to get enough mugs for all of us...I love the community living here, everyone shares! That evening was a special night! Another night we were going to Ola Grande for dinner and I was in the 2nd crew of people being transported. I was walking past the lil chica's room when I was asked by one of the girls if I would come do their hair for dinner. After ok-ing it with he house mom, I went into their bathroom to find 6 lil girls standing in front of the mirror getting all ready to go out to eat for dinner! Girls will be girls! :) on Wednesday, we went to a community right across the highway for a VBS and for the ladies pampering day. Let's just say the whole set up/prep time was a bit chaotic! When we finally got the ladies area set up and 4of us had just sat down to give manicures, the pastor runs by saying there is a fire! One of the homes in the area caught fire due to propane gas...and it spread to 3 other homes. The ladies we were working on ran out to go help. Later we found out that many people showed up and did the bucket brigade to help-a great example of community. It made me smile when the ladies returned after it was over to finish getting their nails done! So cute! Another super fun adventure on Friday was a trip to the local dairy farm! As we were piling in the van to go someone asked me what we were doing...I told them we are following Panchito and Rosa's lead, whatever they tell us to do, we will do! Well, that landed us in shoveling "fertilizer" if ya know what I mean! Ha! First we were outside the stalls....then Rosa says "follow me" into the stall with the cows AND with a cow that was in labor giving birth! I kept saying...is his really happening??? Hahaha! We couldn't quit laughing! Oh the adventures! Never a dull moment! We had a great week and I so enjoyed engaging in all that God was doing! it definitely was a make-your-heart-beat-fast kinda week! I'm finding that I crave that and that when you just "BE" with Christ, the adventures never stop! Dave has been challenging us all to "live in the moment" and I'm finding that as I do that, my life is so full...there's no room for worry...only room for faith in Christ and confidence in His Sovereignty! I've found as I've journeyed here that the only regret I've had is that I wish I would worry less and trust more! Because He is trustworthy and can be trusted with every detail of my life! I will close by quoting something Tony Kay said to me back in the beginning "God wants us to worship Him in the present instead of worrying about the future." I've made this my life-long goal. I don't want to miss out on right here, right now because of worry! I choose to worship Him right where He has me and to soak up EVERYTHING He is doing in THIS moment! 

Church

I have really enjoyed my time at the church we attend here: Camina da Vida. It feels like my home church. The worship is amazing. I have experienced the power in the presence of God in ways like never before. Even when I cannot completely understand the words, I hear His voice speak into my heart and challenge and comfort me. We are blessed that they have English translation in headsets along with having a couple guest English speaking pastors visit. I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned from the different services we have attended. A couple of the quotes are from our devotion times with Rob E when Gateway was here. I'm grateful that we have a great church here to attend as well! God is Good! CDV  Opportunity always has to do with expanding the kingdom of God. Obedience Let God prepare your life(potter/clay)  Discipline Sacrifice Work Asking for help may clarify the next step of your life-John 19 God does amazing things in our lives when we are brave enough to ask the questions! Ask! -Rob E. In places of greatest failure is when Gods grace is seen the most. Once you "deserve" grace, it's no longer grace. When you release grace, grace releases you. Grace is most appealing when grace is most apparent. Gods favor does not depend on you, it depends on God. Raise your expectations on God...He is Able!

Pastora Alicia

I remember last June when I was here having a conversation with Jim and TKay and Rob about the need for a local church to partner with here in this community. The need was something that we sat in a circle and prayed for, I gotta admit my faith was so small that day, I have been blessed to see with my own eyes a year later what God was already working on with the blessing of Pastora Alicia. Her church meets in Lomas de Marchan, very near to the home. She is pastoring the children and staff here at Hannah's also. Not to mention the countless people in the communities surrounding and her ministry extends to pastors in churches nearby. I have watched her over the last couple of weeks and have had the privilege to sit down with her and TKay on multiple occasions as we meet and seek God for the areas of community ministry here. I'm humbled everytime I'm around her, I desire to be close to her (wishing so bad I could understand everything she says) and I love seeing the Spirit of God surround her. He is what makes her move. She has a heart so big that beats in tune with the heart of God. Her compassion and passion for people is contagious! Her joy cannot be contained. Yesterday we saw once again her "walk of faith" (as Dave shared last night). Yesterday was a holiday here so the schools were out and we'd been planning an all day of ministry in a nearby town called Mala. Pastor Alicia's heart was to go there and pull along side 2 pastor friends one whose church was established but needing help with a children's Sunday school, the other needing greater help as it's a new work in a community where many do not even know the church exists. (with our North American perspective we would never probably venture out to do something like this without making sure all our ducks were in a row first, right?-not with Pastora Alicia-she showed us yesterday what faith with shoes on looks like.) We faced many obstacles trying to get there...arriving 2 hours later than planned only to find that the first pastor wasn't there. But that didn't stop this precious Pastora...NOPE! she took off on foot and by golly she hunted that pastor down 30 minutes later bringing him back in a moto! I love the importance of making sure hat there is a local pastor in each location we minister in so that when we leave, the people of that community have a face and church to connect back to! There continued to be more obstacles but we saw God prevail and we had an incredible mid-morning of service and ministry...I enjoyed seeing the church youth leaders from Pastora's church and our group integrate and minister as one body. The plan waste eat lunch together, have a time of prayer and intercession for this community and then move on tothe next location. We had the prayer time and lunch and were on our way to the next location for the next campaign and Pastora's face said it all when we pulled up and there was no one at the church...looking back I see her devastation was because he heart (of a pastor) was to help this church, to breathe some life into it, and she was disappointed that it wasn't going to happen (at least not this day...it will happen in Gods timing). From my shallow perspective it could have been seen as a "fail" because there was lack of communication prior to make sure all the details were lined up...but I believe the greatest lesson God had for us was to see Pastora's heart and that she truly ministers by walking in faith. She is led by God and she doesnt worry about what the outcome will be...she leaves that up to God. She is pastoring me while here. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be under her leadership! I am looking forward to more opportunities next week to serve with her and her church group(another wonderful group of youth leaders whose hearts are precious!) never did I see coming the blessing of meeting this woman of God and getting the opportunity to serve with her! (oh, did I mention she's a single mom too!-she amazes me! Christ in her amazes me!) Gloria a Dios!

strong start-half way-strong finish

...so, I have a confession to make...(besides the fact that it's been forever since I've blogged, I know, I'm sorry, I'm journalling and I promise to fill all the gaps from the last couple of weeks in at another time...promise!) but really my confession is: there are days (like today) when I haven't got a darn clue what it is I'm doing (in terms or leading) and you know what...(thanks to the encouragement of other leaders here) IT IS OK! I don't have to have it all figured out...I don't have to be the perfect leader because you know what...God's Sovereignty RULES over my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. God is not looking for our perfection (only He is perfect) I believe He looks for us to be persistent in our pursuit of Him. WHEW...I feel better now that that's out! :) Today is the half-way point of our program with these girls...I find it no coincidence that God chose today to teach me this lesson...His timing: Perfecto! One of the greatest battles I have faced on this trip has been insecurities and feelings of inadequacy when it comes to leading...if you would've told me that would be what I'd face I would of laughed and said..."no way!" I'm confident as a leader...I know how to do this...I've battled insecurity before and won...I've got this! WRONG! Never fail to remember that the enemy is REAL! his roar is paralyzing...he has a mission to carry out...and he knows your (my) weaknesses. He can find he tiniest crack in your faith and turn it into a crack the size that an earthquake can make...be alert! Be aware of his tactics...STAND on Scripture and never think you've arrived...that my friends is dangerous ground to walk on. Being the half-way point I wanted to blog about my team. I've learned and have grown SO much from living in this community. My life has been shaped in ways I never dreamed. I have been challenged, encouraged and inspired as I watch these girls wrestle out what God is doing in their hearts. We have been having individual evaluations all week and it's been great to hear where they're at and what God is showing them. I'm humbled to be here. Tonight we had a team time to share what's on their hearts...(they were super excited when they saw the nutella and animal crackers waiting for them in my "home"...my room-I got to host everyone-turns out I'm not the only nutella addict!) my heart was smiling so big the more everyone was sharing...it's taken 4 weeks to get to this point...and I'm so excited to see what the next 4 hold. God is working! Pray with us...one resounding theme tonight was that many of us feel like God has us in a place of decisions to make...learning to be still and listen doesn't come naturally but we are all being challenged to do so. Life here is full. It's busy-maybe even busier than at home! It's challenging and rewarding. It's down right exhausting at times but at the end of the day, my heart is full...my joy is complete and I have complete assurance that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Not saying there aren't days when my feet get a little shaky walking on the water...but it's then that He gently reminds me (like today) that it was HE Who called me to get out of the boat and walk toward Him...and when I don't FIX my eyes into His face, it's then that all I see is the waves and wind. Just like I'm sure it was for Peter to walk on the water, this walk of faith has been exhilarating and full of adventure...my adrenaline is constantly on go! BUT- it is a daily walk of faith. Can't just walk one step and be done...gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other to walk WITH Jesus. I don't know about you but I long to be out of the boat on the water where He is! I'm so grateful for this team and this opportunity to have my walk of faith challenged and shaped. This team ia a blessing and we are looking forward to a strong finish! To sum up where my heart is I'm gonna borrow the words of a book I'm reading, my heart is "forever ruined for any other lifestyle"...I don't have this all figured out and I'm ok with that...I'm ok with my weaknesses being exposed, I'm ok with saying...I really don't know, let's figure it out together...I'm ok with having weaknesses that force me to my knees daily and give me an offering of worship to bring to my Lord...I'm ok because in all of this, I've found a life (of faith) that has "forever ruined me from any other lifestyle."

reality

If I had to sum up the last week in 1 word it would be that: REALITY. I've been meditating a lot on that word, especially since Wednesday Night when Jim spoke to all of us about it. 1st he had us name a reality in our life. Then he walked us through Scripture starting in Genesis to Revelation about what realities are in the Bible. I'd already been thinking a lot about reality and after his lesson it almost has {in his words} made my head hurt trying to wrap my brain around realities. One reality I have come face to face with again on this trip is how wrong my thinking has been at times, towards culture, towards people, towards Scripture...this past week has been eye-opening in seeing realities of this place, of people, and of God in a whole new light. Let's face it, we all could say, things are not always what they seem to be...and you really don't know about anything till you have "walked a mile in someone else's shoes." Not that I've even come close to walking 1/10 of a mile in these precious people's shoes...but I do believe God has given me a glimpse of the reality of life here. Jim and Tkay are such a precious couple...I am learning DAILY from their wisdom. They are both feet, both hands, ALL IN in what God has called them to do here. They have been so gracious to invite us into their home and make us feel like it's ours. They are imparting truth and wisdom into my life and sometimes I don't even think they know they're doing it. They have taken time to educate themselves and pass that knowledge of this place on to our team...again, eyes have been opened to the reality of life here in this place. I'm so grateful for them...and feel very blessed to serve with them. The staff at Hannah's has been very gracious to welcome us into their home too. The reality of them is that they truly care for the children. I see it in their faces as they pour out love to the kids and to each other. It's such a blessing to give and receive love from them. One of the staff members seriously had the most contagious laugh ever...makes me smile just thinking about it. Another staff member is shy but always has a smile and can always be seen listening to worship music as she works...she graciously gives and gives. I think I might be putting on some weight due to the reality that one of the staff members is an excellent cook! She made a dish this week that was beets/carrots and 1 other thing I can't remember at the moment served over rice and with MY FAV....MAYONESA! Oh man, I was in heaven with that reality...:) Another staff member may not realize it but she is helping me learn my spanish as I am trying to really listen to her as she talks...who knows, maybe I will be a little more educated in spanish when I get back! The reality of them all is that they are very precious people that love God and are pouring His love out in this place. Some highlights from my week have been our worship/discussion time every morning...to see walls come down {in my own heart and in others} and to literally feel God's presence in this place has been a beautiful thing to witness. We celebrated 2 of the kids and one of our girls birthdays this week...party days are always fun! Homemade pizza!!! {that's always a highlight}...an earthquake...yep, you heard me right...we experienced that reality yesterday morning just 30 minutes before going into discussion time where Dave had already talked about using an earthquake as an illustration in the lesson...{as if God was saying...how 'bout I show you one to make it more real...} it was an eye-opening experience of the power of God. Yesterday our team marched in the parade {something that my church group has been able to do before} and a highlight for me was getting up early to braid the little girls hair before they left for school...this year I actually marched...it's always a great experience, one that leaves a body tired but a heart full...another highlight has been time spent one on one with my team...getting to know the girls and their stories and seeing how experiences in my life have built up for this time and place. A big highlight and reality that I feel like God has opened my eyes to see is that HE IS IN EVERYTHING. Daily I am humbled at how Scripture {HIS WORD} is connecting on so many levels...from Scripture that friends at home are emailing me that connects with our worship songs or our lessons...to listening to a message from Joey that connects with lessons...to hearing a song that speaks the same truth as something I would have read that day or earlier in the week...or how God gives me a Scripture in my quiet time that lines up with something that one of the girls needs to hear...it's been comforting and encouraging to hear His voice and see Him at work. I'm humbled by my God that is so intricately involved of every detail of my life...who am I that He would love me so tenderly. There is so much to think about when I contemplate reality and the greatest reality of all that I am drawn to is the reality of what Christ did for me and for you when He went and stood in the place of blame for us. I'm humbled and overwhelmed and feel very loved and full of hope by that reality. It's what makes me get out of bed every day and know that because of that reality, I can walk with purpose, I can live a full life {not free from trouble or pain...but full in knowing that no matter what, He's got a plan}...that reality is what makes me want to in turn be like Him and give my life away....in that, I have found freedom, I've experienced joy, I drink in the simplicity that it offers and my heart bursts inside because I desire for ALL to know the same reality is true for them too...He cares, He loves, He's in control, He's got a plan, He's relentlessly pursuing each of us...He will make a way...He's full of grace...and one day...HE will come again, just as He said...and the reality {that my heart and mind cannot fathom} of eternal worship at His throne will finally be complete.